Dr Caroline West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sex, sexuality, and the body. Here, she speaks to three men to share their thoughts on rejecting negative social norms around sex and relationships and replacing them with respect, joy, and fun instead.
Sex can be a serious business at times. It can sometimes not go to plan, or might include sexual violence*, or just be plain unsatisfying. Depictions of sex that we see on screen can be devoid of laughter or even violent.
However, it isn't always so serious, and the fun side of sex is often missed in the pursuit of perfectly choreographed action.
This can lead people to think they have to be perfect or follow a set path of what sex 'looks like', especially for men who also face social pressures to initiate sex.
For them, many depictions of sex involve manipulating women into bed through trickery or coercion, rather than a matching of desire and attraction. It's a stance stripped of fun and the softer side of sex, and especially the more vulnerable side of intimacy.
Instead of this framing, we should ask: why is it important to mix silliness with sex? I asked three men to share their thoughts on rejecting these negative social norms and replacing them with respect, joy, and fun instead. All names of the men I spoke to have been changed to preserve their privacy.
26-year-old Chris in Limerick spoke about the joys of laughing with intimate partners, leading to a much better sexual experience for all involved:
"Being silly is great as it helps reduce any anxiety that you may have and makes it much more chill and enjoyable, allowing you to be your authentic self, which is important in sex.
"I think it can also help the bond between you and your partner become stronger if you have fun with it because it helps you feel really safe with them while being silly together, which can build trust and a feeling of acceptance."
Anxiety is natural when it comes to trusting another person with our bodies, our desires, and our vulnerability. But as Chris outlined, facing it head-on can result in a much better time.
Sex on screen is often perfect, but in real life, it can look very different. You might knock your heads or teeth together, your phone might ring halfway through, or worse - your parents or housemates might walk in. That's before we even consider the running dialogues in our heads that worry about how we look, or if we are doing the right thing or not.
Oh, and don't forget all the baggage of our previous experiences, our level of sex education, our beliefs, and so on. Talk about pressure.
One of the best ways to relieve this pressure is not to act like you know everything, but to just be honest. Honesty can be much hotter than experience for many people. You can pretty much guarantee the other person has felt nerves too, and the emotional intelligence needed to be honest and open is a very attractive trait.
Raymonde, 32, from Kildare, explains what this can look like in reality:
"There definitely has to be a bit of silliness involved in sex. Because those people who take it too seriously, they see it as ‘oh, I have to be perfect’, but if you're willing to take a tiny bit of silliness into it, it releases a bit of tension, which in turn makes the sex better.
"Most people ruin their experience because they think too deeply into it. But you should go there, have fun; it is not always gonna go as planned. Do a few silly things, make each other laugh, and even if it's bad sex, if you make her laugh, there might even be a second time then!"
Raymonde sees that pleasure can be found in what appears to be imperfection but is actually the freedom to be yourself. This way of viewing sex can help banish that awkwardness that is naturally there for many.
Galway-based Andrew also uses humour to ensure that intimacy is real instead of performative:
"Having humour and jokes in the bedroom really allows those involved to become relaxed and more trusting in the whole experience. Seriousness can create intimidation. and blending intimidation with something as vulnerable as sex often won’t create a relaxing environment."
Despite being just 26, Andrew’s emotionally mature approach has led him to be able to perfectly sum up the importance of adding silliness to your sexual CV:
"The pleasure of sex is often tied to the comfort of those involved, so actions which reduce intimidation more often than not lead to a comfortable experience, and this unlocks the ability of heightened pleasure."
Being ‘good in bed’ isn't about knowing different positions or seduction techniques. Instead, you can find true pleasure for all through being silly and honest. Ditch the seriousness and embrace the silly, weird, wonderful, awkward, noisy, messy, real parts of sex.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ.
* If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
