Infidelity in monogamous relationships has a significant impact on the partner who has been betrayed. Research links it with long-term health consequences, with significant psychological distress also well documented in studies.
Infidelity increases the risk of depression and anxiety. Unanswerable questions, wanting revenge and rage can plague the betrayed. Trust is damaged, a family unit can be split, and feelings of abandonment may be profound. The couple's family, friends and jobs are affected.
Self-esteem may be damaged and the future left uncertain for the person deceived. Sometimes, a trauma response is activated with the partner's world turned upside down.
There is some confusion about what constitutes cheating in modern society. For most couples, it goes beyond sexual contact and includes kissing, sexting and flirting. Having an emotional relationship with someone outside the reationship is considered cheating among most couples.
Research shows that partners often have different understandings of what infidelity is. Benjamin Warach , a Clinical Psychologist and a researcher in this field, reviewed studies of over half a million participants from different countries.
The most common types of infidelity identifed were physical, sexting and non-sexual. Precursers to cheating were experiences like dancing together.
Recent studies show that over 70% of people considered emotionally intimate realtionships, without physical contact, as cheating. Emotional infidelity includes sharing personal details, attending events together, flirting, and giving more emotionally to someone outside the relationship.
The psychological research reveals that women explain feeling unfulfilled or neglected as reasons for cheating while men are more likely to report not having their sexual needs met orhaving a strong physical attraction to another woman.
Higher reports of infidelity were linked to porn use, keeping in contact with exes, and being flirtatious with others. Value systems, childhood issues, commitment difficulties, low self-esteem are some of the myriad of contributing factors for infidelity. Addiction, attachment styles and certain mental illnesses can increase the likelihood to cheat.
Risk factors include a history of being unfaithful and having been exposed to a parent having an affair. Financial status and the workplace provide opportunities. Surveys show that over 60% of adults had a romance in the workplace with over 50% having enagaged in flirtatious behavior with a colleague.
When couples begin to move apart from each other, the potential for cheating increases.
In fact, surveys reveal that over 40% of workplace relationships involve an existing partner being cheated on. Contributing factors include familiarity, comfortability and having work in common. However, it often impacts the job negatively and may lead to one person having to leave if it goes wrong.
Social media and the digital world is providing more opportunities to those who want to cheat. Digital cheating is a source of infidelity in relationship even though the people involved may never have met in person.
Social media use can increase the interactions that lead to connections, flirting and sexual behaviours outside a relationship.
When the intention of online encounters is for a potential emotional or sexual connection, a boundary is crossed. Digital affairs include flirting, sharing sexual images and developing an emotional relationship. It is beneficial for couples to have conversations about this to clearly establish relationship boundaries.
What are some signs of being cheated on?
Despite many affairs being covert, some indicators may be present. Relationship red flags may include a shift in communication and a sense that the partner is not fully present or engaged.
Mood may be on and off. A cheating partner may be emotionally distant and show less interest. Criticism may be a way to deflect and justify. Efforts to nurture the relationship wane, future plans and thoughtful gestures fade out.
More attention to appearance may also feature, and less time spent at home.The partner may be suddenly unreachable at times. There can be defensiveness, secrecy and lies. Changes may occur in the couple's sex life, and affection may dwindle.
Internet infidelity may be marked by excessive phone use and guarding devices. Unexplained financial transactions could also be a warning sign. Sometimes an affair gets uncovered by gut feelings and suspicions.
How a relationship can recover from infidelity
While for many, the damage is irreparable,some couples will work to salvage the relationship. This is a lengthy process needing both partners to fully engage. Trust has to be regained and the process of healing will usually need help from a professional. Emotional intimacy needs to be worked on way before physical intimacy can emerge.
For some couples, they may need to take a break for a while to come to terms with it and process emotions. The person who cheated needs to be honest with themselves, offer true remorse, accept pesronal responsiblity, and understand the underpinnings of their infidelity and its impact.
The couple recovering will not get back to what they once had, but to a new relationship that needs to be based on mutual commitment, respect and trust.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
